Randomness that is trying to sleep...

Oh my goodness. My body is physically wore out. I'm physically tired, but my stupid brain won't shut off when i go to sleep. Well, I should say try to go to sleep. It's rediculous that it does this everynight. Last night wasn't too bad. For the most part I was able to go to sleep but like tonight. I just don't think I could move anymore yet I am wide awake. My body hurts and I know I need to go to bed but I can feel my mind is not going to shut off and so my eyes are responding by being wide awake.

I hate that when that happens. :-)

What on Earth....

Is going on? I feel like I am going crazy! If I am not tired (wait, am I ever not tired?) then I'm depressed and I'm depressed things go very badly for many people. I don't know. It all seems so trivial. But my depression comes and goes as it wishes I am getting tired of letting it traipse around my life like an uninvited guest who doesn't call before coming for a month long visit.

I went to the doctor on Monday and I am now on Celexa, or rather a generic form of it. And unfortunately my weight doctor is keeping me on the stupid diet I don't want to be on in the first place... I think he wants to me to learn how to cope with my depression without resorting to food. And he is absolutely right, but how on earth do I follow a diet that I didn't want in the first place.

I know I need to learn healthy ways of eating. I know I do. My whole family does. But they get to eat whatever they want and I get to starve to death while they enjoy all the crap I can't have. And it's all crap too... My husband thinks that all he can make the kids is grilled cheese sandwiches, spaghetti, kielbosa and macaroni and cheese, and hamburger helper. If he's not in the mood to cook he just orders pizza or brings something home. All those foods are not healthy. My daughter won't eat unless it's one of the previously mentioned foods. She flat refuses. And she won't eat the rest of the night. She occasionally asks for a snack, but if she doesn't eat the food then she doesn't get any snack. She might fuss for a bit then she forgets about it.

I think what I am going to have to do is eliminate all food from this house except for what I can have and just make them all eat what I can eat. Wouldn't that just serve them right. Logan is getting to be a picky eater too but maybe if I can get this started now then he won't be as hard to train as my daughter is going to be. She does have her 5 year check up so I am definitely going to ask her about the eating habits. But I know that we all need to start eating veggies and crap like that... I don't like veggies a whole lot, I do admit. But I am finding that I do like asparagus. It's okay. And I like steamed broccoli, I always have. I just wish there was a way to make it flavorful. They seem so bland. I love green beans but, alas, those are not an approved veggie. I can have fruit too. And I love fruit. The only fruits that I can have though are apples, oranges, and strawberries... which is fine. I like all those. And that is my favorite fruits actually. So that is a plus. I tend to eat a bit more fruit than veggies. Which is just fine with me.

And I think this diet thing is part of the reason that I am depressed. I think I am lonely. I think it's the time of year. I think it's my kids driving me crazy and I don't get to get out. I think it's a lot of those reasons and, other than med, I don't have a clue how to get out of it. I eat and eat and now I am the size I am and trying to get it off is like pulling teeth. I am going to counseling but I don't really know if that is effective. It does help to get my feelings out there but I think I am tired of just getting my feelings out. I think I would really like for someone to look at me and tell me, "You suck, this is why you suck and this is what you need to do to fix it." Well maybe not that harsh but you get the drift, right?

I know I am not the only one in the world who goes through everything I am going through... I just feel like the only one. I feel alone and isolated from the world. I feel like no one really understand me, or cares about me. Or wants to try anyway. I just feel so lost and so useless.

Well, I think I am going to head to bed. I am very tired so I am hearing my bed calling me... good night...

Have you ever thought that God wanted you to do something, but when you do it, it turns out badly? That is what is happening with my Passion Party business. I maybe wonder if I didn't see all the signs that He didn't want me to do it, or if I did, but did it anyway. And while I was lying there, sick in bed, I realized something. I was thinking to myself that I had done this and now I need to stick to it, and it occurred to me that maybe God is trying to teach me to stick to it even when the going gets tough. Cause they are tough right now. I had my first party Saturday night and it was my own...only two people came. I got a good order from one and a small order from the other. I do have two outside orders though.. I am going to have to be diligent and follow through with this. Hopefully I can get some booking in the next couple of days and that will help tremendously, of course. I think God is showing me that, "Hey, you've quit on the other stuff when going gets tough, lets see how you do when trying to get started and it's tough." I am going to have to learn how to not quit before I even begin. And this whole thing scares the crap out of me. I am deeply afraid of failure. I have failed at two other things in the past... Party Lite and Mary Kay. Those things just weren't for me. I still love the product though, as I wear Mary Kay every day and I finally got all my Party Lite stuff out into my home. And I think I am going to love the Passion Party items as well. I like how they are getting me closer to my husband, which is good all the way around. It's going to have to teach me to reach out of my shell and find a stronger, braver woman than I was before. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part. I just hope I can do it. I hope I can stick with it and fight through my doubt and insecurity... but I will do the best that I can with what I have.

Chaos

It's amazing how loud and obnoxious my kids get. They don't quite understand "Shh, quiet!" or "Settle down!" They just go about their merry business of being loud and annoying. The funny this is when my husband left to go out with a friend for the evening, my kids became instantly quieter... I wonder why?

I've been feeling frustrated for a few weeks or so. I know it's cause of this stupid diet I am on. And of course I wouldn't be on it if it weren't doctor ordered. I am having lower back pain and the doctor seems to think that a little extra baggage isn't helping it.

A little extra baggage indeed. Too funny!

So they put me on this diet and I am only allowed 500 calories a day.... and before you freak out on me, I am also taking HCG drops to trick my body into thinking it's pregnant so it burns the fat without me actually being hungry.

Except for the part of.... I AM always hungry... Except, AM I always hungry? I think a lot of my problems come down to the fact that it's all psychological. I am bored and I want to eat. I get depressed and I want to eat. The kids irritated me today so I want to eat. If we were to take all that away I would not want to eat as much. The problem is that, yes, I can take away the boredom, but no, I can not take away the kids. They come along with the package.

Well, all night I've been snooping for something to eat. What is bad is I am out of Strawberries, Apples, and Oranges. Those are things I can snack on. I ate my last apple earlier today after taking my daughter to the kids fair held here in town. I can't have all the wonderfully smelling food that they had there so I waiting and grabbed my last apple. So here I am hungry. And I can't snack. Argh!

And it really does depress me that I can't eat like I used to. Makes me sad to think that I will not be able to eat grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese and tuna casserole... at least not all the time like we used to. But I've been breaking things down of what I can and can't have and it seems to be getting a bit better. I haven't cheated this week as much as I have the last couple of weeks. I could have lost more when I didn't cheat but I figured it all out and I'd be nine pounds lighter if I hadn't cheated.

So I've decided to exercise more. I've been going on walks around the block an also doing our Wii Fit. That seems to be really helping out a lot. Makes me feel better too.

I think once I get a new routine set up and get more fruit in the house I will be better and maybe when the chaos of the kids being loud and annoying hits, it won't be quite so bad. :-)

And then there was a blog...

I have never been one to dabble in blogging but I thought maybe I would start. I want to do a rant blog, a "aha, I got it," blog, and an all around "life as a mom... my life as a mom" blog. It will be pretty random stuff till I really get going on it but all in all it might be pretty fun.

I will just introduce myself quickly as it is late and I need to get to bed. My name is Sherri. I am married to John and we have been married since April of 2002. We have a daughter, Holly, who is crazy and funny and beautiful. She was born May 2005. And we also have a tornado of a son named Logan whom I am pretty sure at this point isn't going to make it to his second birthday. He climbs on things, stands on the edge of way too many things, has things in his mouth constantly, runs into things, falls a lot.... I guess you can say he is all boy. And he is going to make me go white. Good thing I have an AWESOME hairstylist... lol. His birthday is August of 2008.

We also have a dog named Oscar and a cat named Meekose. They are best friends and love to play together. And my kids adore them, however, they do not really adore them back. Lol.

Well, that is it for now. I will try to get back on here to post again. And Thank You so much!

Sherri